The fiercest and most unruly of forces descended upon Chicago this week. It was a battle unlike any other, perhaps one of the scariest clashes ever recorded in the Windy City. Simply put, a community was threatened, a social order was wrecked, and milk was spilled.
That’s right, students at a middle school engaged in…wait for it…a food fight. Fortunately, administrators were quick to quell the rampant flinging of lunches. They did what any overwhelmed and under-weaponed domestic unit would do in dealing with an aggressor so intense and wily. They called in the police—yes, the Chicago police—to quell the uprising and have the eighth-grade perpetrators arrested and hauled off to jail.
What about detention, you ask? Please, that’s too tame a punishment for such a heinous and serious crime. We’re talking about the throwing of grilled cheese…the flicking of mashed potatoes with a spork! People, we have the community to think about here! What, pray tell, would happen if these hooligans—nay, these cafeteria terrorists—took their fight to the streets? Think!
All I can say is thanks to the just and prudent “no-tolerance” policies of the Perspectives Charter Middle School, citizens of Chicago will never be faced with such a horror.